Has it really been 4 months since I've blogged?! I guess I'll take advantage of being on call right now and update. Where did I leave off.....beginning of July, Whoa! There's a reason I haven't posted in a while. In July we did IVF (in vitro fertilzation) we had done lots of tests only to find out that I have poor ovarian (egg) reserve (my blood work came back SUPER low). What does that mean? It means I have the ovaries of a 40 year old woman, I could be menopausal as early as 5 years and that my clock is literally ticking. If we want to have children of our own we just don't have time to wait. On top of that, Nick's swimmers also have issues. This last year we paid a Dr a lot of money to be told that we will never conceive on our own.
Back to July......we did IVF and to say that it was hard is an understatement. It messed me up (BAD) emotionally, mentally, physically. I'm still recovering from it 4 months later. Unfortunately, IVF didn't work, we found out that not only is my ovarian reserve low but my egg quality is poor too. To say we were devastated and heart broken is (again) an understatement, we lost a baby. Maybe one day I'll talk about it more but today isn't that day.
I'm doing ok..... I'm not gonna lie, I'm struggling to find faith and peace instead I feel angry, abandoned and depressed. I feel like I was given this trial and I'm failing at enduring it well. I feel like whenever I take one step forward and think I'm doing better I end up taking two steps back. Yesterday was another baby blessing and every other testimony shared was about the joys of family and children and being a mother or a father. The proud new father stood up and shared the joy and love he felt watching his baby being born. Nick may never have that opportunity......I didn't make it through the meeting, I had to leave, I went home and cried.
I don't know why I'm sharing this. To be honest, I don't know who even reads this. It's not for pitty and I don't expect you to understand. Is typing my feelings therapeutic? I don't know, I'm sitting here crying, not the therapeutic results I was hoping for.
Is it possible to find blessings during such trial and heartache? I will testify that it is possible. Nick and I have always had a rock solid relationship but now our marriage is so much stronger. I feel that we're even closer and love each other so much more. I have a few friends that have been there and lifted me up. {C} and {J} I am forever grateful to you for your love and support. {C} thank you for sharing this Mormon Message The Will of God. I'm grateful to a wonderful loving Bishop. He had us read this talk by Elder Richard G Scott Trust in the Lord it's amazing, you should read it right now. Since it's the season of gratitude, I'm working on finding joy in the journey. "He measures the abundant life by the capacity to 'face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and triumph with humility'". -Pres. Thomas S. Monson
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Thank you so much for your post. Your faith and testimony through these trials have strengthened mine. I cannot even begin to imagine the sorrow and pain you and Nick are going through at this time. I wish I could alleviate some of your pain, but being so helpless here, all I can do is pray. I love you, Amber, and I think of you and Nick often. Truly the Lord sent you the best helpmeet for you and you for him, you two are an amazing couple. If there is anything we can do for you, be it a shoulder to cry, an ear to hear or a voice to pray, let us know how we can help you. We love you guys.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, but at the same time it made me cry. You are doing wonderful. Keep your faith. You are SO strong! I loved the Elder Scott talk. My favorite part was: Don’t let the workings of adversity totally absorb your life. Try to understand what you can. Act where you are able; then let the matter rest with the Lord for a period while you give to others in worthy ways before you take on appropriate concern again.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I think it is very therapeutic to write everything down. It's also so fun to go back and read it.